Some Light Humour other humour click here

The Matelot's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my soul the Lord shall keep
And grant no other sailor take
My shoes and socks before I wake.
But if some poor soul should chance to stray
And try to take these things away
I'll punch his bloody head in.......

Chinese Maiden's Lament

Me no likee English sailor
When Yankee sailor come ashore
English sailor plenty money
Yankee sailor plenty more
Yankee Sailor call me ducky darling
English sailor call me Chinese whore
Yankee sailor only shag for short time
English sailor shag for everymore.

(Tune : "What a Friend we have in Jesus")

Farewell to a real Jack Tar...... 

The traditional male sailor was not defined by his looks. He was defined by his attitude; his name was Jack Tar. He was a happy go lucky sort of a bloke; he took the good times with the bad.

He didn't cry victimization, bastardisation, discrimination or for his mum when things didn't go his way.
He took responsibility for his own, sometimes, self-destructive actions.

He loved a laugh at anything or anybody. Rank, gender, race, creed or behaviour, it didn't matter to Jack, he would take the piss out of anyone, including himself. If someone took it out of him he didn't get offended; it was a natural part of life. If he offended someone else, so be it. Free from many of the rules of polite society, Jack's manners were somewhat rough. His ability to swear was legendary.

He would stand up for his mates. Jack was extravagant with his support to those he thought needed it. He may have been right or wrong, but that didn't matter. Jack's mate was one of the luckiest people alive.

Jack loved women. He loved to chase them to the ends of the earth and sometimes he even caught one. (Less often than he would have you believe though) His tales of the chase and its conclusion win or lose, is the stuff of legends.

Jack's favourite drink was beer, and he could drink it like a fish. His actions when inebriated would, on occasion, land him in trouble. But, he took it on the chin, did his punishment and then went and did it all again.

Jack loved his job. He took an immense pride in what he did. His radar was always the best in the fleet. His engines always worked better than anyone else's. His eyes could spot a contact before anyone else's and shoot at it first. It was a matter of personal pride. Jack was the consummate professional when he was at work and sober.

He was a bit like a mischievous child. He had a gleam in his eye and a larger than life outlook.
He was as rough as guts. You had to be pig headed and thick skinned to survive. He worked hard and played hard.

His masters tut-tutted at some of his more exuberant expressions of joie de vivre, and the occasional bout of number 9's or stoppage let him know where his limits were.

The late 20th Century and on, has seen the demise of Jack. The workplace no longer echoes with ribald comment and bawdy tales. Someone is sure to take offence. Where as, those stories of daring do and ingenuity in the face of adversity, usually whilst pissed, lack the audacity of the past.

A wicked sense of humour is now a liability, rather than a necessity. Jack has been socially engineered out of existence. What was once normal is now offensive. Denting someone else's over inflated opinion of their own self worth is now a crime.


A Sailor and a Marine are in the head peeing in the urinal, the Sailor washes his hands and says smugly, "In the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after peeing." The Marine looks at him and says, "In the Marines they teach us not to pee on our hands."



"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the mess Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently-abled."
"Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I don't know about that sir."
"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days & 
simulate living onboard ship once more !

1 Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag
2 Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small
3 Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, then hang it over the water pipes to dry
4 Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shire a torch in your eyes and say, “Sorry Mate”.
5 Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the center of your bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.
6 When you shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap
7 Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are sick !!.
8 Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and then set it to high.
9 Don’t watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, then select a different one.
10 Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for engineers
11 Have a paper-boy cut your hair.
12 Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbours house. When he complains, laugh at him
13 Buy a rubbish compactor, and use it once per week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of the bath.
14 Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of any thing you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional – cold soup or ravioli out of a can.
15 Devise menus for your family a week in advance without looking in the larder or fridge.
16 Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through out the night, when it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.
17 Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.
18 Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow to sit for three hours before drinking.
19 Invite about 85 people who you don’t like to come and stay for a month.
20 Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie underneath it to read books.
21 Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all the doors in your house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.
22 When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst it is in the oven. When it has cooled spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.
23 Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout, “man overboard”. Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea
24 Put on the headphones of your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of the dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, “dishwasher manned and ready Sir”. Stand there for three or four hours. Say once, again to nobody in particular, “dishwasher secured”. Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.
25 Nickname your favourite shoes “steamies”, then get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

There was a lad called aladdin who had a magic lamp
he took it off a matelot who was fathoms up a tramp
he stole it from a matelot to see what he could get
and he rubbed and he rubbed and he aint got fuck all yet
oh! fah lah le lah, lah le dee, sixteen tanners one rupee
feed of arse on a sycamore tree oh bugger janner

A Sultan said to Aladdin my palace you can paint
Aladdin like a big OD said No I fucking aint
so off he went with a one inch brush and a pot of black enamel
and he shoved it up the arse of the Sultans favourite camel
oh! fah lah le lah, lah le dee, sixteen tanners one rupee
feed of arse on a sycamore tree oh bugger janner

You make farce kiss my arse make fast the dinghy
you make farce kiss my arse make fast the dinghy
and we’ll all go back to oggie land, to oggie land, to oggie land
and we’ll all go back to oggie land, where they cant tell paper
from tissue paper, from tissue paper marmalade and jam
oggie oggie oggie, oi oi oi
oggie oggie oggie, oi oi oi

"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught
napping." - U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941

Setup: The chief of United States naval operations has released the
       following transcript of a radio conversation between a US
       Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
       in  October 1995.

US ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a

Canadian reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
                south to avoid a collision.

US ship: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
         your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course!

US ship: This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri; 
we are a large
         warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now!!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun 
with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, 
so she walked over and asked him when was the last time 
he had had sex. "1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. 
"Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, 
glancing at his watch. 
"It's only 2014 now."

And so a culture dies...

Thank god that they cant take the memories away as quick as they want to take away the traditions. memories live on in all of us and the reunions bring out the best of them keep up the good work lads (and ladies)